Sunday, August 26, 2012

New Chapter.

I have now lived in Utah for almost two and a half years.  I really didn't think I would be here this long, unless I had already decided to put down some roots.  But the timing has worked out as it should, and it is finally time to move on and start a new chapter.

I have spent months trying to figure out what that new chapter would look like.  I won't bore you with all the details of it; it is a really long story.  But basically, as soon as I came back to Utah, I knew the New York question would eventually have to be answered.  The fact is, when I got married I pretty much left the acting industry.  I dabbled a little bit, did a few auditions here and there, but I really put my career to the side for the sake of my marriage.  That was absolutely my choice.  I want to make that clear, lest anyone assume that Cristian was not a supportive theater husband.  But I was more concerned with getting him through school so that he could support our family; you know, the bigger picture and all that.  I also was not interested in a long distance marriage.  Even now, I still feel like I made the right choice to give my marriage priority over my career.

However, I never felt resolved or "done."  I still missed the business, and kind of lived vicariously at times through some of my friends who were still knee-deep in it.  So, when my marriage ended, I knew I would have to make the decision about whether to go back.  Some may say that should have been a no-brainer.  But it wasn't for me.  I really wanted to know where I needed to be, and what I needed to be doing, according to God's will.  I sincerely wondered if the theater industry was the right place for me at this point in my life.

The first year I was home I really didn't think about it much.  I was too busy grieving and just....being.  Surviving.  Just as it needed to be.  But a few months after my divorce, I started to give the question more thought.  I went back and forth constantly.  Again, long story short, a year later I finally got enough faith to just make a decision and stop waiting for God to tell me what to do.  Only after I started to really move forward did the peace of assurance come.  I realized that I needed to move on the best way I knew how, and let God take care of everything else.  I needed to trust myself that I would know if my direction was wrong according to His plan for me.

So, I am moving back to New York City to jump into the acting industry full time again.  I am not embarrassed to say I am still holding on to a dream to be on Broadway.  I feel like I can get there.
And honestly, why not go?  I have a unique opportunity to go back to some of my original plans before I got married.  Not a do-over, but just...another chance to live my dream.  So, why the heck not?  I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering "what if..." and having those regrets.  I also don't want to stay in Utah out of fear of getting out of my comfort zone.  I want to risk; I want to take my life by the horns and really live it.  I feel like staying in Utah and just "playing it safe" would be too complacent, too comfortable.

There is NOTHING wrong with Utah.  I love Utah.  I could create a great life for myself here.  While living here, I have had so many awesome opportunities to perform, teach, and work.  I have amazing friends and a lot of family here.  It is my home base.  There would have been nothing wrong with staying here, if that had been the right choice for me.  But it wasn't, and I felt that if I didn't go, that I would stop progressing, for me. 

So I am excited.  I finally have a direction, a goal, and I am moving forward.  After a couple of years of limbo that feel so good.  I am also ready for some adventure.  I have no idea what will happen, and I am totally alright with that.  I know I will get there and be reacquainted with how competitive, uncertain, and difficult it is.  I will have to work harder than I ever have in my life.   But that is fine. 

It is very bittersweet to leave behind my life here.  But I feel powerful.  The metamorphosis I have gone through here in Utah in the last two and a half years is nothing short of miraculous.  I am looking forward to entering a new phase with this new person I call me.  I am the me I have always been, but different at the same time.  I hope that makes me different in my craft too.  I am going with anticipation, nervousness, and hopefully a whole lot of faith.  I will need it.

I leave you with a song that I love.  It doesn't convey my excitement, per se, but the lyrics have meant a lot to me at different points in my life.  I think they may be the most applicable now.  Good stuff.

This could be a real will be something, that's for sure.

Day with the 'Rents.

Yesterday ended up being a spontaneously great day with my parents.  We didn't set out to spend the bulk of the day together, but that is what happened.  Quality time with Mom and Dad is at a premium since I will be moving back to NYC in two weeks.  I guess I should write a post on that life-changing decision....

Anyway, I had the presence of mind to take a few pictures.

My mom and I went to our stake clothing swap in the morning, then to the Mapleton Farmers' Market.  I love farmers' markets.  I don't go very often, but every time I do, I am enamored with the concept of grassroots, and good, home grown food and goods.  Ours is not very big, but we got some really nice produce.  Super yummy.  I will have to find a market somewhere in New York.  There has to be one somewhere.  Right?

 So, there is an old fashioned soda fountain at a mom and pop pharmacy in Springville, called S.O.S. Drugs.  Dad keeps talking about it, and I have never been.  So yesterday, on a whim, the three of us went "into town" and had some ice cream and sodas.  Mom and Dad got some kind that they would get as kids that tastes kind of like Dr. Pepper.  I don't remember what it is called.  I keep wanting to say Rum and Coke, but somehow, I don't think that is right...

I love Springville, and how it still has such a charming Main Street, with old stores like this one.  I will miss this place. 

Last night I called in my perks from doing shows at Hale Center Theater in Orem, and took my parents to see Arsenic and Old Lace.  They both love that play, and my dad has really fond memories from being in it many years ago.  (Many...)  It was great; we all enjoyed it.  At some point during the afternoon, I had conveniently told my mom about the really great peanut butter sauce at Menchies, a frozen yogurt shop by the theater, and that all the programs have coupons inside.   You can always perk my mom's interest with coupons.  So we went to Menchies after the show.  The sauce delivered, as usual. 

It was a really nice day.  I was so glad I was home.  I am trying to be around when my parents are home a little more these last couple of weeks.  I have to say, it will be really hard to leave.  My parents have been an incredibly important aspect of my life these last few years.  We have kind of gotten used to having each other around, and it will be sad to end this chapter of my life, in large part because of them.  I like them a little bit.