Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Moment Of Truth And How I Nailed It.

Or in other words, that one time I found out Cristian is getting remarried. 

My SIL Becca told me yesterday.  Apparently the press release, AKA, official status update, has been released on Facebook.  Not having contact with my ex anymore, I had not seen the glad tidings.  But, Becca being the concerned dear that she is, was calling to make sure I was alright.  I will admit, a few assumptions based on the little I know of his life post-divorce rushed to my mind immediately as I reacted and processed the news.  But I know those assumptions are unfair.  I don't have any information to make them.  And I don't know Cristian or his life anymore.

But I did have a few thoughts, and I will try to write them down. 

Thought #1 after taking a minute to respond thoughtfully to the news: Well, I guess I don't have to be worried about running into him at the singles conference I want to go to in DC in October.  That could have been really awkward.  (True.  I really did think this.)

Thought #2: Who is this woman, and why does she live in Venezuela?  How did that happen?  I can only assume online, which I can't judge because I am not above an online profile myself.  But how they are going to make that work is anyone's guess.

Thought #3: I really hope they are doing this right, and that he is getting better, taking care of himself, and is being honest with her.  I hope he is in actual recovery, for both of their sakes.  Really I do.   I was talking about this subject with Sarah, my other SIL last night.  She asked me, "Sometimes I wonder what Cristian would have been like sans addiction."  I said, "AMAZING."  Seriously.  I still think C is an incredible person, with so much potential.  That's why I loved him so much, and fought for him, and supported him as best I could,  and wanted so much for the marriage to work.   It's really heartbreaking what an addiction can do to a person.  I saw it, but I also saw enough real glimpses of who he really was that I knew he was amazing underneath all the shame and self-loathing and acting out.  I'm grateful my path is no longer with his.  Really grateful.  But that doesn't mean I don't still see his potential, and while in a small way I still think it's sad that neither of us reached our potential together, I hope he keeps working and getting better and getting up when he falls and TRULY starts to rely on the Lord.  I do.  It will make all the difference in his new marriage, and I would never wish on anyone what I went through with him.  My part in that included.  (I realize this section might seem like it negates my overall message, but I don't think it does.  I'm allowed to have my thoughts be all over the place with this.)

Thought #4: I. Don't. Care. 

Hold on.  I don't?  I don't!  He can get married if he wants, and he is welcome to it!  Now, obviously, he can.  I have no claim on him in any way.  But my point is, it was so freeing to realize I really didn't care, and didn't really even find it to be an issue.  Because that meant that I am totally over him, and I have moved on.  YAHOO!!!

You might be surprised to read this, assuming that I have been over Cristian for a long time.  And I probably have.  But I never had any litmus test to find out if I was or not.  I have had feelings for other men since my divorce, and have had over 4 years of grieving and then healing and rebuilding my life.  But I have thought many times, and wondered, am I over him?  Like, really over Cristian?  I knew I would only know the answer to that if I really fell in love with someone else, or if he got married again before me.  With being apart, I don't have the occasion to see him and have feelings about it or not.  So I have always kind of wondered what would happen if/when I saw him with another woman, or heard about an impending marriage. 

Well, like any good, normal ex-wife, OF COURSE I Facebook-stalked the fiance.  And she is very pretty.  And really may be a nice girl.  I have no idea.  I hope she is.  But the most surreal part was, as I was looking at those pictures of the two of them together, I felt like I was looking at a stranger.  I was so detached from the man in the photo.  I'm a different person, and I was married to him in a different life.  All thoughts I've had before, but my stalking really brought it home yesterday.  Who knew some internet stalking could be so useful?

Also, she had posted all these cheesy quotes about love and long distance relationships.  I threw up in my mouth a little, and if I still know anything about Cristian, he is tolerating it at best, but not a fan of the cheese.  Which makes me giggle.  Then again, he was actually in pictures with her, seemingly willingly, and smiling, and seemed like he wanted to be with her, which is more than I can say for how he was with me whenever I wanted to take a picture, so what do I know?  Like I said, he is now a stranger to me. 

I honestly wish him the best.  I truly hope he is doing well, and that this relationship is a good fit.  Is there a little bit of snarkiness for me in it?  Yes, I guess so.  Who am I kidding; there totally is.  Maybe I will go to hell for it.  But at the end of it all, I really don't care that he's getting married again.  It's a total non-issue for me.  And that is the best part.  I passed my litmus test with flying colors!  I walked through the streets of New York City last night on my way to a church activity with my ear buds in, listening to music, and just felt so grateful for my life.  It's beautiful. 

The real question is, can I use it as an excuse to eat a treat and pretend I am eating my feelings? 

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Just Some Things That I Like.

I like the view of my city from the rooftop of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
I like my friend Erin Wilson, who did my hair and makeup for my head shots.  We have known each other for so long, and she is someone that I always care about and want to see. 

I like the view of the temple on a gorgeous Sunday before church.

I like it when my friends come visit.  (Deb lives here, but Larene and MaKenna, the best.)
I like eating treats with my friends and having people stare at us in the window. (Not really)
I like the cobblestones in SoHo.
I like it when Gary comes to town, and I get to go hang out with him and get cookies at Levain.  I especially like the reaction he gives every time he takes his first bite of one.  Undocumented, but next time I will have my camera ready.
I like the GW Bridge.
I like running into one of my besties, Jeff, at an audition, and having that audition go so well for both of us that we just have to get frozen yogurt afterward.  Have to.
I like living in a city where instead of a parking lot, there are just strollers lining the hallway at church.  And instead of spending money on cars, they invest in really nice strollers.  City living.

Mostly I like it when strangers fall asleep on me on the train.  
Definite sarcasm.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Two Beach Days In A Week. It Happened, And It Was Amazing.

Yep.  I went to the beach twice last week.  Once for Memorial Day to Riis Beach and then again to Coney Island last Saturday.  Both days were absolute heaven!  And, I bought a really cute fedora hat for the occasion.  It's the little things that make me happy.

First, I have to document the view from our Memorial Day Eve dinner at my friend Dallin's house.  And it was good. 
Then, the next day, it was totally beautiful.  Dallin chose that day to build his first intense sand castle of the summer, with a little help from Rachel and Leah.  This is not even close to the finished product, but my phone/camera died before it was done, so this is as good as I got. 
Let me be clear about the water: it was freezing.  There was no swimming happening for me.  Just some professional lounging.  I'm great at that.

Last Saturday my friend Mitchell was in town, and he has never been to Coney Island.  The weather was not quite as ideal, but still nice enough, so off to Coney Island we went to sit on the sand, eat a corn dog, and experience the joy of a really good ice cream sandwich.  Melanie was loving the spear she got to eat her fries with, and Brendan was just loving her fries.
These clouds were amazing.  Especially through a filter, but amazing nonetheless.  Deb, Brendan, Melanie, Jeff, Mitchell and I were so happy to be there, even if it wasn't laying out weather.  Just another perfect day, you know.  

Just Mitchell and I being idiots.  It happens sometimes.


NYC Spring = Lots Of Street Fairs

A few weeks ago, our stake held our annual street fair.  It is to raise money for the different youth camps over the summer.
  Each ward has a booth with games to play, and there are tables of donated clothing for sale, baked goods tables, and some of the best hamburgers you can imagine. 
 I am pretty sure I single-handedly sent a girl to camp based on my bakery purchases alone. (The evidence has long since been destroyed.  And by destroyed, I mean eaten).
  There was music as well by some of the incredibly talented members of our stake, like my friends Aurora and Jon, and a gorgeous day to boot. 
The best part of my day was that I FINALLY reunited with my childhood best friend, Kendra Livingstone Smoot. After almost 2 years of living in the city.  We're the worst, and we both admit it.

We had a great chat, and I got to meet her kids and chat with her husband Seth.
 All of this joy right before they move to California at the end of the summer......we are going to do dinner before they go, I promise. 

Basically, it was a day of bliss.  Pure bliss.