2013 was great. I can safely say it was a great year. I was happy, healthy, I worked really hard and had a lot of fun. Did I get an acting gig? No. Well, yes. But it was a 2 week contract that I turned down. It didn't feel right, so I went with my gut. I'm glad I did, but would have been even gladder (is that a word) if another, better job had come in its place. Oh well.
But anyway, I saw family, played a lot with new and old friends, traveled a bit, and learned a lot. 2013 was great.
2014 has arrived. And with it, the inevitable self reflection that usually comes with a new beginning. I don't really make resolutions, per se. At least I don't call them that. I usually just have things I am thinking about, concepts I want to work on or get better at. This year is no different.
I want to learn to love my body, no matter what state it is in. Plus a few pounds, minus a few pounds. Feeling skinny, feeling fat. Food baby, no food baby. I want to learn to just focus on and truly appreciate the gift that it is. My body is not perfect, and it doesn't work perfectly. As I get older my body is starting to protest a little more each year. But it works really well. I can't complain; I can do just about anything I need to do in my life with it. Do I wish I was an amazing dancer? Of course. But that's not what I am talking about. I mean that all 5 of my senses are in good working condition. I can exercise and physically push myself to stay in shape, even when I am not in the mood. I can sleep, and my insomnia from a few years ago is better now than it was. I will never take that for granted. My body can heal. And you know what? It doesn't look too bad either. I am grateful for my metabolism, and I don't mean that lightly. I want to appreciate that more as well.
I want to look in the mirror with love and not criticism. I think that is the biggest key for me. Too often, I look in my mirror, immediately turn to the side, check the side view, and am rarely satisfied. In those moments, my mind is flooded with damaging thoughts about how I am not doing enough, how my body is not enough. I really want to change that. I want to live in a better state of gratitude for my body, and everything about it.
The part B of this thought is that if I can truly love an appreciate my body, maybe that will help me respect it more and treat it better. As in, eat better out of self-love and respect, not a fear of getting fat. I do pretty well with exercise. But I could do better with my eating, and I believe that is all part of respecting and loving our bodies.
The other main concept I have been thinking a lot about is trust in God, namely with my career. I want to really put my trust in Him that my life is in His hands. My career is in His hands. I want to let go of my need to control this industry and the people in it so that they all love me and want to cast me. I need to trust that I am right where I need to be in MY journey, and that journey has nothing to do with anyone else's. So I don't need to compare myself and my career to others. Comparison never ends well for me. I can be truly happy for others' successes, because their triumph does NOT mean my failure. It is not connected to my life in any way.
I am powerless over pretty much everything and everyone around me. But that is ironically empowering because all I need to worry about is my own craft and preparation, and leave the rest to God, accepting that I'm always progressing. I don't know God's end game, but I need to have more faith that it is better than the one I have planned for myself. I'm even progressing with all the rejection. I don't know what it means, but eventually all the rejection and frustration will be clear, and I will have learned what I need to, or gained what I needed, or whatever.
It's a beautiful thing to have epiphanies every once in a while that can bring increased focus, motivation and peace of mind. Maybe instead of resolutions I will call these my epiphanies for 2014. I like it.
You know what else I like? Profile pictures like this from dating sites:
The NAME! I can't handle it.
And yes. I am openly admitting that I am trying out online dating. The entertainment value is priceless. Oh- I'm supposed to actually find someone nice and go on a date? I don't know what that means.