T's husband Layne has cancer. Stage 4 colon cancer, to be exact. We found out in May, kind of, but it was confirmed in June. Layne's age (42) and good health are always a good thing in that his body is in better condition to fight cancer. However, those factors also usually mean that the cancer is more aggressive. I won't go into all the details. You can find those on her blog, which was set up specifically to keep others updated, if you are interested.
Our family doesn't have a lot of history with cancer, thank goodness. My mom has had some melanomas on her face that were pretty traumatic and stressful for all of us. But she was able to get them removed; chemo or radiation were not needed. For the most part, that is our experience. We are really lucky. And my mom got a face lift she never really wanted.
Stage 4 colon cancer. What does that even mean? Our whole family has been blindsided and sucker-punched by this, all at the same time. To watch this all unfold is just a nightmare. And a lesson on faith, if I am being honest. Definitely two sides to this coin.
Stage 4 is terminal, long story short. I will never say never, and I will never stop hoping for a miracle healing. But, putting things bluntly, chances are most likely that we will lose a cherished member of our family much sooner than any of us thought we would. Miracles still happen, and I know God is working miracles in this as we speak. But it is not up to us what those miracles look like. I have no idea what sort of miracles God has in store for this little family and our extended one.
Right now, in this moment, I just feel sad about the whole thing.
To make it worse, in my opinion, every piece of news and progress we have received in relation to Layne's cancer has been negative. So, the blog post I am reacting to today is that my sister is having impressions that time is shorter than she thinks for her husband.
I can't imagine. Well, in a way I can. I know what it is like to all of a sudden have everything you thought for your future suddenly thrown into question. I know what it is like to think your life was going to be spent in a certain way, with a certain person, and then learn that may not be the case. But divorce and death are still different enough that I have no idea what my sister is really going through.
Teresa is handling it really well, I think. She lets herself grieve and cry when she needs to, and she and Layne have both really involved the kids in a healthy way. Layne is on disability from work currently, and they home-school their kids, so right now they are getting to spend a lot of quality time together. That is really awesome. But I worry about her. I know she will pick herself up and be fine, eventually. But how? What will that look like? I really really really worry about the four beautiful children that may be left without a father, and are way too young to have to face such an ugly part of life. It makes me want to hug them tighter and longer every time I see them.
I am astounded by Teresa and Layne's faith. They are amazing to me. They are both tackling this with all their strength, and at the same time accepting the reality of the situation.
I am so grateful for a few things. I am grateful that I have lived nearby for the last few years (in Utah) and I got to spend so much time with them. I am glad my parents are around and are in Salt Lake for half of every week while they serve a mission for my church. They get to spend a lot of time at T and L's home. I am grateful for eternal families. I know it brings Teresa and Layne a lot of comfort (and our family) that they will only be separated for a time, not parted forever. I am so grateful for a God in heaven who knows us, loves us, and has a plan for all of us. Even though this is hard, and I am already devastated, I know and my whole family knows that God's Will will be done. Sometimes the plan God has for us is not easy to live with. I know that myself. But if/when Layne dies, I know Teresa and the kids will be taken care of, and it will all be OK, somehow, someday. That's why Christ died, isn't it?
I am also grateful for the little blessings that tell me God is aware and taking care of things, like the fact that Layne is at home right now to spend time with the family.
That being said, I hate talking as if Layne is already gone, or his fate is set in stone. It makes me feel like I am practically putting him in his grave. What a yucky feeling.
This post is so scattered, I know. I told you I just need to process; I have a lot of thoughts right now. Sometimes I can think about this objectively. Some days I burst into tears as soon as the thought of Layne's terminal condition enters my mind. But my main, overriding thought is this.
Cancer sucks. There is nothing redeeming or good about it. I hate it, and I am furious it has attacked my family. This is a really ugly, crappy part of life, and I am not going to qualify any more by talking about blessings and faith and the things I am grateful for. While those things are true, I really just want to say I hate cancer. Today is a day when I hate it and am not interested in being grateful. I just hate it.
Done.
You said it. I could not agree more!
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