Recovery, Self-Love and Selfies.

This last week I have had a few call backs, which was exciting for me.  It feels so good to see a little bit of progress, even though I didn't actually book any of the jobs.  It validates me that I am on the right track.  But last Wednesday, after my last call back, I was really discouraged because it should have gone really well, and I choked.  Somehow.  It was a movement call back after a chorus call, which means I sang my song on Monday, and on Tuesday they called and asked me to come to a movement call back.  Since the show was not heavy dancing, they just wanted to see if I could do simple dancing.  No problem.  The combination was super easy, but I still somehow choked when it came to crunch time.  I was so mad at myself and sad about the botched opportunity.  I would not have hired myself, so I didn't expect anything to happen.

Anyway, I got home and decided I needed a bit of selfie therapy.  Oddly, it helped.  Not completely, but these silly moments definitely made a difference.

Today, I was thinking about my industry, and my personal journey of recovery from codependency.  It wasn't until after my marriage ended that I learned how codependent I can tend to be, and ever since then I have been learning more and more about what emotional health means for me, and have been working to achieve that.  (That is the nutshell version of a very long story, and an even longer journey.) 

I have a great opportunity at this point in my life, and in this industry, to practice my recovery every day.  I have kind of thought about this before, but never really with this amount of clarity.  The principles of Recovery as I understand them are based on fully trusting and surrendering to a Higher Power, and letting that Higher Power take care of you.  Recovery is learning to love and trust yourself.  It is learning to keep that self-love intact and not base it on other people's opinions of you.  It is about living in your own truth, and not taking responsibility for others' lives, feelings and reactions.  It is about letting go of things you can't control.   It is about taking care of YOU, and therefore being better equipped to be your best self, and in turn be able to love and serve others in a more healthy way.  

Anyway, lately I have felt like I am in a really good place, therefore, have worried that I haven't been as proactive in "working my recovery" as I could be.   On Saturday night, I went to a group meeting and as I shared my feelings about this,  all of a sudden this idea formed in my head about how I am actually working my recovery every day as I audition.  As I thought more about it today, it clarified even more.

Every day, I am given with the chance to love myself in the face of rejection; to see my own value no matter what the people across the table think about my work.


I get to practice faith and trust in God that He will take care of me when I am going to audition after audition and not finding anything.  I also get to practice the faith that He will take care of me in the other aspects of my life as well, while I am so focused on my career.  (AKA, dating and a theoretical marriage do-over).

When I have a bad audition or a disappointing experience of some kind, I get to practice the skill of feeling my feelings, processing them, and moving on, instead of telling myself I am not supposed to feel sad or discouraged.  I can feel those things, acknowledge them, and then figure out what to do with those feelings in a healthy manner.
 

I get to address my sense of perfectionism every day.  I get to make mistakes and beat myself up over them, or not.  I work on the NOT beating myself up part.  The other option helps no one, least of all myself. A great saying in my network of Recovering Codependents is "progress, not perfection."  I love that.  It helps me keep perspective.

I can accept myself and my work every day.  My triumphs and failures, the good and bad about me, my strengths and weaknesses, my ugly and my beautiful.  I can accept myself as a person.  I need to.  The whole package.  Also, I can accept that whatever I do that day is enough.  I am enough.

I don't always do all of these things.  Quite often I come up short on a given day that is hard.  But at least I am aware, and I know the direction I want to go in.  So I guess I am working my Recovery more than I realized.  

Incidentally, I realized a long time ago that the more I work my Recovery, the better I will be in my craft.  Funny how that happens, isn't it?

I love this quote I found in "The Gifts of Imperfection," by Brene Brown:

"My story matters because I matter."

I relate to that in my life as well as in my work.  I matter, therefore, my story matters.  My life story, or the story I am telling that day, it is the same.  It is my story.

And, on the days when my story doesn't seem that great, I can always take a few selfies to cheer myself up.  It's better than eating my feelings.  But it doesn't taste as good.